Hi, my name is Mariah and I'm a defector from the People's Republic of Irving, aka: New Brunswick. You may have heard there's an election happening there soon and you're probably wondering "WTF is a New Brunswick?"
Please allow me to answer some frequently asked questions about that province no one thinks about.
1. That's in Halifax, right?
No, Halifax is a city in a neighbouring province called Nova Scotia.
2. Is New Brunswick an island?
You're thinking of Prince Edward Island, you know it's got island in the name... I get the confusion though, we are both big on potatoes.
3. So you're part of Newfoundland then?
Eat a dick and read a map.
4. So you guys are bilingual right?
Children south of Shediac are forced into French immersion by parents who want them to get good government jobs when they grow up, but most of us can't remember what subjonctif means except that we never want to think about it again.
The rest of the province speaks French like this:
5. Why do cops in New Brunswick keep murdering Indigenous people?
That seems like the kind of question you should ask Federal "Public Safety" Minister (and former Toronto Police Chief) Bill Blair, your local city council, and yourself... ACAB baby!
6. Why are there so many people from New Brunswick in Alberta?
The economy is garbage and jobs are few.
7. Ah, so one of those have-not provinces?
Well, you may notice in your local grocery store that potatoes retail for about $0.67/lb, and all our other industries are controlled by an uber-rich family called the Irvings, who evade taxes by being "based in" Bermuda. They also own all the major newspapers in the province, which is cool and normal! (The Left Merch Blog is not owned by the Irvings, and therefore is the one last bastion of journalistic independence.)
8. Why are people in New Brunswick still fighting for abortion rights? Is the province stuck in a time warp where the 60's never ended?
Unfortunately yes. The only abortion clinic in the province is now having to sue the province for intentionally restricting funding for abortions. The clinic is the only place in the province to get an abortion outside a hospital and they also specialize in LGBTQ2 care, also a rarity in the province.
PC Premier Blaine Higgs insists if anyone has a problem with their violation of the Canada Health Act, they can sue. Cool.
Vote 'em out, mes amis!
So now that you know everything there is to know about New Brunswick, you should buy this shirt as a souvenir of our time learning together!